I paused dating when I realized I’m not yet who I’m looking for…

This isn’t a topic I’ve read about in my ‘dating research’. And I’m sure it’s not a topic that will be received well, by all.

The step I was missing for most of my life was the honest look in the mirror. Acknowledging the parts I hated about myself; allowing them to have a voice. Instead I spent most of my life covering them up. Hiding them. Allowing those parts of me to fester underground, rot, and infect my sense of self.

It’s not comfortable. To take an honest look in the mirror and not turn away when you see something (or many things) you don’t like. To then cultivate the courage to sit down with yourself and learn to love all the parts of you that make you, you.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

I played the victim role very well.

But the role of the victim and the victor cannot co-exist simultaneously. Being in victim mode kept me stuck in my rut. I was rolling around in my own filth crying about getting dirty.

And weirdly, I realize that was OK. It was a necessary phase I had to go through. To process the pain, the trauma and the guilt of existing. I wouldn’t take that part of my life back. It was vital to my growth — even if I feel it slowed me down.

So, what does this all have to do with dating, you ask?

I was dating with mainly one purpose — YOU, fix ME.

I needed a partner that would save me from the misery of me. I wanted you to listen to all my sorrow and kiss away all my pain.

I wanted you to make me feel worthy. On the days I felt ugly, I needed you to salivate at the sight of me; fuck me with so much passion, that I couldn’t doubt my attractiveness.

I longed to belong. I needed you to need me. I felt useless when I wasn’t needed, or being used.

I also needed you to be a victim, on some level. How can I take care of you and prove my worth if you can take care of yourself?

I needed you to be as broken as I felt…

So I attracted certain patterns. See, I don’t know if it’s so much that we attract certain people as we do patterns. The most well adjusted people can be thrown off balance when they get close to those who elicit chaos.

I was insatiable. My pit had no bottom. I could consume you whole.

I was the storm. I was the chaos.

I wanted my partner to bring me stability, healing, consistency and love — yet I was unable to do any of that for myself.

I was asking for things I was unwilling to give. I honestly didn’t even know HOW to give those things to myself. How could I, when my coping strategy has always been to search externally for what could only be found inside?

One of my blessings were the repetitive patterns. I seemed to have the same issues pop up in every relationship I was in. Eventually, after much struggle and denial, I came to realization that I was the common denominator — and that’s when my life started to change.

I’m not perfect. I still have my many flaws, but now I acknowledge them. In fact so much so, that some of them I’ve come to realize, are really strengths being utilized inappropriately.

I’ve spent the last three years consciously single and abstinent

I say consciously, because it was preceded by an intent. My intention I set three years ago, was I will not use other humans to heal myself. That strategy doesn't work anyways.

And in the past few years I have had the opportunity to take off the filter and truly see myself, my patterns, and take inventory of who I’ve become, and what direction my life has been heading.

I’ve provided myself with the opportunity to sit with the pain, listen to all the blame, hate, cry, feel my rage, jealousy, and bring some understanding to all the parts of me I’ve been trying to hide.

I’ve built a level of confidence, so grounded in soul, and wrapped around my essence that it exists as an entity of it’s own. It will exist regardless of who comes and goes, who accepts me or doesn't. This confidence has helped me find me assertion — the realization that I have the right to be here, too. Simply because I am.

In the past 3 years, I have learned the word “no” does not need to be attached to guilt, or an explanation.

I’m becoming who I’m looking for

I have taken myself out, to dinner, movies, road trips, getaways, massages. I’ve also realized I can Netflix and chill on my own.

I would say one of the most important realizations came from giving myself the opportunity to take responsibility for my life. I have no one but myself to blame for the path my life has been on, and it is completely up to me what path I create for myself moving forward.

I’ve created new habits, I’ve found new passions, I’ve learned to self-soothe, built my own confidence, found my worth. I’ve also started facing my ugly, and seeing it in a different light.

We’re creatures wired for connection. I’m sure there are ways to unlearn this primal need — I believe anything is possible. But in the past little bit of solitary living, I’ve realized that I don’t want to lose the need for connection.

I want to cultivate deep, meaningful healthy connections, but it can only happen when I’ve created, on some level, for that to flourish within me.

I have a long way to go. It took me 3 years to simply come to this realization. It will take me many more to solidify and grow the seeds I’ve planted. But it gives me peace to know that maybe now, I can be a healthy peaceful addition to someone’s life…including my own.